Success: A Modern Fairytale

Rise. Meditate. Go for an invigorating run in the woods, your ponytail staying perfectly put. Shower, but not for too long or you'll waste water, and while you're in there, use only products from Whole Foods, each its own overpriced bottle of pureed, oily fruit salad with a pump mechanism.

Eat a healthy breakfast of fruits and veggies that you have plenty of time to chop. Close your eyes and be mindful of every bite, and of each sip of your espresso birthed from organic fair trade coffee. (Your kids will surely understand your need for mindfulness and quietly get themselves ready for school.) Call your senators to tell them what you think about their failings. Continue to flow, at ease with the world.

Go to work. Get up and walk every hour, and take a long stroll on your lunch break. Quietly judge people back at work scrambling to finish their tasks and trapping sandwich crumbs in their keyboards. Take several dozen draft selfies in front of some blossoms so everyone on IG will know you have time to stop and smell literal roses.

Take your 2pm stretch-walk around the office and look at heavily filtered pictures of people pulling up to their urban farms on Vespas. Think about how great life can be when you're in touch with humanity's past. Isn't farming quaint? Farmers in the middle of the country who think they have it rough just don't get it at all. Really the only way to live is as nature intended: growing squash whilst wearing skinny jeans and a $100 t-shirt, and taking breaks only to blog about your organic juice cleanse and to crochet your children tiny monkey dolls from the organic wool of well-adjusted alpacas.

Feel vibrant and energetic after work. Go to Bikram yoga and have a great time because you don't sweat at all and downward dog is fantastic when your hands are really dry the way they are in a 150 degree room. Drink some sparkling water with a hint of lemon, and spritz some of it on your face for a healthy glow. Post to social media about how refreshed you feel, and while you're on there, stay informed and woke about every issue, but make sure you are outraged for exactly the allotted amount of time and then return to a zen state of being present with your homemade protein bars and throw pillows and leggings because life is about balance.

Go to bed at 9pm; it's easy to go to bed at 9pm if you're committed, because after 8:59pm there is nothing left to do. Lay your head on a silk pillowcase to avoid wrinkles. Turn on the sounds of Tibetan Temple Bells and put out good intentions into the universe. Feel pity for the poor, ignorant people who feed their families by working long days in the mines or laboring in factories whilst their feet and backs scream at them. How sad that they don't understand the truly important things in life. Wish for them to gain the insights with which you've been #blessed.

Fall asleep breathing purified, HEPA-filtered air and inhaling deeply of your doTerra essential oils. Dream of the latte foam you will photograph on your break tomorrow. It's going to be another great day.